Gunboat Review By Zeon

With all the positive reviews as of late, you may be asking yourself what the deal is. Is it possible that the Pc-Engine and TurboGrafx have nothing but great games? Have Pcenginefan, Windancer, and I gone insane and have nothing but good things to say about every game out there? Is Master Higgins of Adventure Island fame really a "master" and if so what of? Err, well maybe not that last one, but you've probably noticed a strange trend of spectacular reviews. Well fear not, we haven't lost our minds...yet.

Today's review is of a little known game for our beloved TurboGrafx called Gunboat. Let's start with the good shall we? Gunboat isn't the worst game for the TG-16, Falcon wins that award. Ok now for the bad. This rubbish exists, and some poor souls have paid hard earned money for it. Hard earned money that could have bought them something exponentially more awesome, like a full tank of gas to drive to where the developers of this game live and teach them to pollute the TG-16 with their garbage. Well maybe not with today's gas prices, but you get the idea.



Now those are some bold words. Can Gunboat really be all that awful? Did we drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki during World War II? Yes it's that bad! Let me put it to you this way, the only reason I am putting myself through the torture of reviewing this game, is that I feel it is my duty to warn any unsuspecting, unknowing person out there who might be contemplating purchasing this game of what horrors lie within it's sinister plastic housing. Yes I know, you can thank me later. So we're going to break it down to the nitty gritty, and if you aren't playing something like Bonk's Revenge to cleanse yourself of the knowledge of this games existence by the end of this review, then I haven't done my job!

Ok so let's get down to business. From the start, things don't look too promising for this game, and they get even worse faster than the amount of time it takes you to be wishing you didn't own it. The first thing you notice when you fire up Gunboat for the first time (because there will never be a second, third, or any other consecutive time after the first) is a couple of shots of a very pixilated, very grainy, and barely distinguishable Gunboat on a river with what has to be the most pathetic rendition of Ride of the Valkyries ever. (Speaking of which I am sure if Richard Wagner were alive to hear it today, I have no doubt he would want to find who butchered his music and do some very unmentionable things to them.) Well it isn't ear splitting or anything like that, but it is sad sounding nonetheless. After the pixilated shots you are spat into an equally pixel-ridden sepia colored main menu.


If you haven't noticed the pattern by now, the developers didn't put too much thought or effort into the graphics. Normally this wouldn't be too much of a problem, however the graphics are so bad that they make things much more cluttered and utterly confusing than the game is to begin with. The graphics all look hideous, especially the pictures that have been downgraded to be displayed on the TG-16. Now I know the TG-16 has a wonderful color palette, and is capable of displaying many colors onscreen at once, there's just no excuse for this. Think of if you've ever had a photo in 32-bit color depth and saved it using 512 colors, the results look very similar to what you see in Gunboat. This is just laziness and there is no reason for it. Also, remember that pathetic Ride of the Valkyries from the title? Well as soon as you star a mission, or practice should you feel so inclined, it stops. Nothing but silence, well that is until you start getting into the "action". You'll be treated with tons of low quality sound samples, from bullet fire to what I can only presume is the screams of the enemies as they die. If they were going for realism, they kind of nailed it. I can still vividly remember the sound effects and this horrible game after 10 years or more, just as a Vietnam War veteran has flashbacks from time to time.

Ok so the sound and visuals aren't so hot, maybe just maybe this game can redeem itself if it has some heart pounding action with lots of explosions and exciting things of that nature. I mean if the description on the back of the box has any merit this game should be one action packed trip. Unfortunately this is not the case. Gunboat seems like it is trying too hard to deliver that realistic piloting a PBR down the waters during a war destroying everything in your path experience. What we get is a jumbled mess, like right hand refused to talk to the left hand during development kind of deal.

Ok so first things first, the pre-battle interface. When you choose to start a mission it asks you to state your name. This acts as your file; you are added to the roster and records are kept of your performance such as how many times you've died, how many PBRs you managed to destroy, etc. so long as power remains going through the system. Starting off you can only choose one area to serve: Vietnam. As you progress you unlock two other areas to serve, Colombia, and Panama. All of which look the same! After choosing the place, you are given the choice of two missions to start with, one is a normal type get from point A to point B in certain amount of time to stage an attack deal. The other, you ask? Well believe it or not, it's about rest and relaxation! Yep, it actually tells you to take the gunboat on a waterskiing trip. You've just signed up and they are already offering you a vacation? Even before you have done anything? If only it worked like that in real life! Well unfortunately for you, if you choose the vacation, nothing happens. You are put back at the enter your name screen. I guess they'd thought they would cut to the chase and not bore you with such a peaceful little trip. Which is a good thing because things aren't any more exciting in the heat of battle. Next you choose the types of ammunition you'll have to work with then after a well wishing from the commander you are off into the rivers of Vietnam, oh boy!




Here's where things get real ugly. You take the perspective of a naval officer on the gunboat firing at the enemies which would be acceptable if only the grainy, dull graphics of the gunboat's machinery and gauges didn't take up more than half of your view of what you are firing at! You'll know when to fire too as whenever enemy units appear in your vicinity the screen will turn red and a sound effect will play to notify you. If you need to see the map or review the mission briefing again, you can do so by pressing the select button. Also, you can change the perspective between below deck to above deck and depending on the types of guns you chose before you started the mission, the graphics of the above deck will change to look more like the type weapon you chose. Not that it changes the fact that everything looks hideous. You'll also notice a clock in the lower left corner, which is important because most missions, if not all, are time sensitive. Up at the top you'll get notifications, such as hit to the engines, hit to gunner, etc, not that it seems to make any difference. You seem to move just as chunkily and as slow as you always do no matter how much damage and bullet holes appear in your boat's graphics. Speaking of controls it seems as if the boat has a mind of its own. Half of the time you will fight with it trying to make it go a certain direction or stay still. I guess they were trying to simulating the ebbing and flowing of a boat being on water, whatever the case is it certainly destroys any chance of playing this game for more than 5 minutes.




You can finally die though and then it's back to the mission select screen for you. Not without acquiring some negative marks on your record mind you. The first few missions are practice though so it's no sweat if you don't complete them the first time though, like I already stated earlier, I highly doubt there will be a second time. If what the back of the box says is indeed correct there are a total of 20 missions, and if memory serves they are more of the same. Practice doesn't add much, no matter what kind you choose it's just like the missions except you can take all the time you need. The action is very dull too, you just sit there firing and the enemies return fire with no animation other than the bullets you are firing. The graphics of the enemies, huts, and boats are static, tiny, and barely distinguishable. The only other animation you get is a lame explosion after you shoot them enough times and maybe the sky turning from blue to red if you can call that an animation. After you destroy all the enemies in your vicinity it's time to get moving towards your destination destroying all enemies you come across along the way.





Well there's not much more to this game. I hope that by exposing to the public the horrors of this game, the world will be a better place. With the atrocious graphics, clunky controls, confusing, and quite dull game play with some of the crappiest sound samples ever, there really are no redeeming qualities in Gunboat. Dare I say it, not even the likes of someone like Shigeru Miyamoto or Hideo Kojima could have saved this pile. So now you know what to do if your friend thinks he's going to be a punk and try to give you this steaming pile of refuse. That's right kick him in the nads and reconsider who your friends are. Friends don't let friends play Gunboat, well at least good friends don't. That's it for today's review, now go play Neutopia! What you already are? Good, then my work here is done.

By Zeon